In our Prehistoric past our ancestors competed for resources
through violence. Later, "civilised" humanity competed for resources by
fighting wars. Warfare, in its turn, has since found its (usually)
non-violent replacement in the competition of organised sports. Now
the wheel has turned full circle. Warfare has become sport. This is
the discipline of Pacifist Warfare.
The Objectives of Pacifist Warfare as practised by the Imperial Russian
1: To engage in Battles, Wars, Invasions and other such time-honoureed
pastimes in such a way as to enjoy all the pleasures of of these
Noble Activities whilst eliminating the killing, injuring, maiming
and other such antisocial aspects.
2: To share the pleasures of Pacifist Warfare with other like-minded
3: To have a thoroughly good time and plenty of healthy fun.
4: To promote the Pursuit of Fun, and Pacifist Warfare as a means of
such Pursuit, as a way of life.
WINNERS AND LOSERS
In the past, wars have been conducted along very arbitrary and
uncertain lines and the winners were never known - even to themselves
- until the last minute. Pacifist Warfare seeks to eliminate such
untidy randomness by selecting the winners - if any - before hostilities
commence. This decision must be made by opposing Commanders and should
be done in an Atmosphere of Amicable and Courteous Harmony as befits
Persons of Senior Rank. The decision may be made by the toss of a coin,
the drawing of straws, cutting of cards or any other mutually agreeable
manner. In accordance with the principles of Fighting for Fun, if both
sides enjoy the battle there can be no losers.
PRELIMINARY PROCEDURES AND CONDUCT OF BATTLE
1: Declaration of War.
Surprise attacks, night raids, spontaneous invasions and other
such unsporting and dastardly actions are totally banned unless prior
arrangements have been made with the invadee. Where differences of
opinion arise, or it comes to the attention of the Imperial Russian Army
that behavior of an unsporting nature is taking place, a Declaration of
War should be issued, in writing if possible, to the Enemy not less than
seven days before the Commencement of Hostilities. This Declaration
must make clear to the enemy the heinous and despicable nature of their
crimes and ample opportunity given for a suitable apology to be made.
2: Initial Confrontation.
Before the commencement of Battle, the Imperial Russian
Commander is required by ettiquette to approach the enemy Commander and
demand immediate and unconditional surrender, a grovelling apology and
an oath to never, never rise up in arms against the Imperial Russian
Army (or at least not for the next 24 hours). If these exceptionally
reasonable requests are not met, an exchange of abuse and vituperation
should be made between the two.
Members of the Army have been known to sing, with varying rates
of success and singing is encouraged before Battle commences.
4: Time and Duration of Hostilities.
A time to meet on the field of Battle must be made beforehand
and a time limit set upon the actual duration of combat. If mutually
agreeable, a half-time break may be called to allow for refreshments and
a brief fraternisation between enemies. No atrocities are permitted
Where possible, a suitable Referee should be engaged to oversee
fair play during battle. Such a person must be one steeped in the
customs and traditions of Pacifist Warfare. Such persons are, of
course, totally unbiased and completely impartial in their judgements.
The referee's decision is final and, when the Imperial Russian Army is
declared the victor, the beaten foe should accept defeat in a sporting
and courteous manner.
Imperial Russian Nurses attend to the slain on the battlefield
and will minister to all regardless of which side they are on. Opposing
sides, however, are strongly urged to provide a Nursing Corps of their
own as our Nurses tend to get run off their feet in the fury of Battle
in which case they will tend to revive Russians fIrst. The more help
they get the more active the Battle and the tidier the Battlefield as
the piles of the slain are recycled faster.
Approved weapons are Rolled-Newspaper Swords and Flour Bombs.
Swords are made with seven double sheets each, rolled as tightly as
possible. They are used with the point only as, even restricted to seven
sheets, when used like a club they can inflict real damage. Flour Bombs
are usually about a cupfull of flour in a confectionary bag. Other
weapons such as water bombs, porridge, etc, are permissible as long as
they can be safely used.
There will be a Weapons Inspection before Battle to ensure all
weapons are safe. The use of unsafe weapons will not be permitted and
they will be discarded before the battle. When in doubt, ask yourself:
would I want it used against me? Shields are also a useful piece of
equipment and can be made of rubber, heavy cardboard and other similar
material. They must have no sharp edges and can be decorated with
individual or unit insignia. They look great in photos and on video.
8: Death and Dying.
A major feature of Pacifist Warfare is the large number of dead
that strew the field: the Noble Soldiers of Holy Mother Russia have
developed the technique of the Heroic Death to that of a high art. A
Soldier is dead when struck in the body by an enemy sword or flour bomb
and must then fall over gracefully, artistically and lingeringly -
especially if there's a video camera pointed at them. Revival occurs by
magic when either a: a Nurse administers a reviving potion or b: when
recall is sounded. If neither Nurses nor Buglers are present a soldier
should lie still, count to ten and then carry on.
(1) Nurses. Nurses are neutral and impartial and must not be
attacked as they go about their work of mercy.
(2) The Colours. The Colours of Imperial Russian Regiments are
sacred and have never been taken. We suggest that attempts are not made
to take Flags as they can result in something more resembling a
collapsed rugby scrum than Glorious Battle.
(3) The Slain. Dead soldiers should be allowed to rest in peace
and not be attacked until they have the chance to be revived by a Nurse.
10: After the Battle.
When Hostilities are ended it is customary for the Opposing
Forces to to combine to clean up the Battlefield and leave the scene of
slaughter neat and tidy. It is also considered a fitting sequel for the
opposing sides to indulge in a little socialising after Battle.
BOJE CZAR KHRANI!! GOD SAVE THE CZAR!!